For months I had been shouted at and belittled. I began internalising all that negativity towards me, thinking it must be me in the wrong. I dreaded going into work so much that I began to have panic attacks on the bus in the mornings. One day I snapped and broke down. I met with my line managers, who were very supportive in facilitating me finding a new role.
The doctor signed me off work for six weeks. By this time I was in such poor mental health that I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was terrified of not finding a new job and applied frantically for everything I saw that seemed even vaguely suitable. Luckily I was offered a new job within the first few weeks, which meant I was then able to concentrate on recovering.
Not having work to fill my days was very strange at first. I had to slow down. I began to take long walks along the river and through the woods every day. Walking in nature has always been restorative for me. It took a long time to heal but, with the support of my partner, by the end of the six weeks I was ready to return to work. I had found find that divine inner spark that allowed me to see that the layers of self-loathing I had accumulated weren’t the true heart of me and I began to rediscover my self-worth.
During those months I learned about my limits of endurance, my inner resources and that everything passes. I learned that there is no shame in mental health issues and that it is ok to ask for help. I learned what nourishes my soul. Most of all I learned the meaning of the word resilience.
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