Letting go of expectations - a reflection for the autumn equinox

Welcoming Prayer

Make yourself comfortable...

Close your eyes...

Feel and sink into what you are experiencing this moment in your body...

Welcome it... 

Let it go, gently.  

Let go of desires for security or control or anything else. 

Let go. 

Autumn is the season of letting go. As the trees let go of their leaves to conserve their energy over the winter, how can we do the same? What can we let go of to make room for nurturing the seeds of new growth, ready to sprout when the cycle begins again in the spring? Every year at around this time I try to spend some time in quiet reflection on this. This year I am thinking about letting go of expectations. 

One of my guilty pleasures is watching 'And Just Like That' – the sequel series to the nineties/noughties 'Sex and the City' – about the complicated relationships of a group of female friends in New York. In a recent episode, the main character, Carrie, sells her apartment, which she has lived in for decades, to please her boyfriend (because he's also her ex-boyfriend who won't go in her apartment because of what happened there with her ex-husband – told you it was complicated!) 

Anyway, she throws a “Last Supper” party with all her friends to say farewell to the place. During the dinner she asks them to say something that they would like to let go of – one word only. The words include:  rules, competitiveness, nervousness, control, distrust, yesterday, regret, guilt, fear, possessiveness, limits. Most of these words had a context within the storylines of the characters, but it's also a pretty good list of things I have struggled with letting go of at some point or another. I wonder what resonates with you from the list?

The word Carrie chooses is 'expectations' and she adds (therefore breaking her own rule), “To be clear, I'm not talking about having dreams, or wanting something to happen, it's so important; I'm talking about assuming that things will go the way we think they should, for whatever reason, because you never know what tomorrow will bring, and it might be greater than anything you ever expected.” 

In Carrie's case, what tomorrow then brings is her boyfriend asking her to press pause on their relationship for five years while he goes away to look after his troubled teenage son. This is so unexpected and she realizes that letting go of expectations is much harder than it seems.

I have noticed recently that when things have gone wrong it's often because people have had different expectations about how something should go, but haven't been able to communicate them until it's too late to rescue the situation. Perhaps that's sometimes because we are not even aware of what our expectations are – until we realize that they haven't been met. 

Having some expectations in life is of course helpful. There is nothing new under the sun, says Ecclesiastes. If we never expected the sun to rise in the morning or set at night, we would go through life being constantly surprised and completely unprepared for everything! 

Our expectations are influenced by our upbringing, our cultural conditioning, and our life experience. There is nothing new under the sun. We keep coming back to the same things. But just as the sun's trajectory across the sky is never quite the same from one day to the next, the trajectory of our days is never quite the same. The next time we spiral around, we are not quite in the same place. Letting go is not a one-time thing, but a continuous process, in the ongoing spiral journey of life. There is always more letting go, more growing, more healing, to be done.

We can consciously work on identifying and letting go of those expectations that are not helpful. I have recently experienced this in my spiritual practice. A while ago, I came across Centering Prayer, developed by Father Thomas Keating, which he described as “a receptive method of silent prayer in which we experience God's presence within us; a method to prepare us to receive the gift of contemplative prayer, or “resting in God” as Gregory the Great described it in the 6th century.”

Centering Prayer is a very simple practice, in which you sit quietly, then choose a sacred word, such as Love or Peace, and keep bringing your focus back to that word when you notice your mind wandering. I tried it a few times, found it very frustrating, and decided I wasn't doing it right and it wasn't for me. So I stopped. After a few months, I came across the practice of Welcoming Prayer, which can be practised just before settling in to Centering Prayer. By combining the two, I realised I was holding on too tight to my expectations of how my meditation was supposed to go. Once I began to let go of my expectations I was able to engage with it again, and it has now become a regular practice that I value.  

Centering Prayer by Keith Kristich, 

“In letting go of thoughts and thinking, we sink into Deep Mind. 

In letting go of emotion and feeling, we sink into Deep Heart. 

In letting go of action and doing, we sink into Being. 

In letting go of self and other, we sink into God. 

In letting go of letting go, we recognize that we were never holding on. 

We’ve always and only ever been held.” Amen.

Greening Verdancy, Rooted in the Sun: A Meditation for the Feast Day of Hildegard von Bingen

 “O leafy branch, nobly rooted in the soil,

swollen with green buds that burst into bloom as dawn light breaks.

Be glad and joyous at your rebirth,

and spare a moment for us,

trapped here in dark wood,

confined by old habits and narrow views.

Set us free!

Lift us with your outstretched arms.

Raise us up into the light.”

O Frondens Virga - listen to my favourite recording of this Hildegard piece, by Catherine Braslavsky, here 

Today is the Feast Day of St. Hildegard, 17 September being the day she died in 1179. Hildegard was born in the Rhine valley in Germany in 1098. Known as the grandmother of the Rhineland medieval mystical movement, she was an abbess, artist, composer, spiritual counsellor, healer, herbalist, poet, preacher, theologian and visionary – today we would say 'polymath.'

The term 'viriditas' was central to Hildegard's theology. Roughly translated as 'greening power', she used it to refer to the life-force that pulses through all living beings and connects us with each other, the power of plants to harness the energy of the sun, what we now know as photosynthesis, and the power of the Holy Spirit in the world, breathing life into all that lives. It is perhaps her understanding of the Green Man archetype. It is what causes plants to germinate, grow, bloom, and bear fruit. In terms of human well-being, viriditas is what allows us to flourish and thrive. Hildegard's healing work was concerned with restoring a person's 'viriditas' or vitality or vigour.

At the heart of Hildegard's holistic healing system is interconnectivity - the interconnectivity of spirit, mind and body; of human, earth, and universe. Her medicine thus integrates physical, psychological and spiritual healing. She understood that these things could not be separated, that the microcosm reflects the macrocosm: as within, so without; as above, so below. She wrote in 'Causes and Cures', “Humanity, take a good look at yourself. Inside, you've got heaven and earth, and all of creation. You're a world – everything is hidden in you.” 

Hildegard’s healing practices are supported by her belief in original blessing. Throughout her works she emphasizes the original harmony between humankind, God, and the universe. Disease or dis-ease arises when we become out of harmony with the divine and nature. To heal we must work towards bringing ourselves back into balance through our physical and spiritual choices and actions.

This brings us to another word that Hildegard uses frequently – discretio. Discretio is sometimes translated as moderation, but has greater depth of meaning. It also means discretion, discrimination, discernment, difference and distinction.

Hildegard believed that God created balance in the body and order in the cosmos. Discretio is the practice of living that balance or order in the union of human and divine, finding harmony of body, mind and soul. It involves paying attention to our inner compass, the promptings of our bodies and our deep selves, to find the right measure in all things. Hildegard wrote, “Discretio is the mother of all virtues for everything heavenly and earthly..  Live by the Golden Mean.”

My invitation to you today, as we approach the Equinox and the moment of balance, is to practice discernment and ask yourself, how can I attend to my own greening life energy – what makes me flourish? What nourishes me? What depletes me?

To start to tune into that sense of greenness, vitality and flourishing, listen one of Hildegard's songs to the Virgin Mary, in which she describes Mary's pregnancy with Jesus in terms of flourishing plant life: Beautiful modern recording of O Viridissima Virga by Garmarna here.

“You glowing, most green, verdant sprout, in the movement of the spirit,

in the midst of wise and holy seekers, you bud forth into light.

Your time to blossom had come.

Balsam scented, in you the beautiful flower blossomed.

It is the beautiful flower that lends its scent to those herbs,

all that had shrivelled and wilted.

It brings them to lush greenness once more.

The heavens gift the grass with the moist dew.

The entire earth rejoices.

From your womb the seed sprouted forth.

The birds of the air nest in this tree.

Blessed is the fruit of your womb!

Your womb's fruitfulness is food for humankind.

Great is the joy at this delicious banquet!

In you, mild virgin, is the fullness of all joy.”

Bring your awareness to your breathing, not trying to change anything, just noticing the sensations of the air entering and leaving your body, perhaps focusing on the diaphragm or the tip of the nose, or wherever you feel the breath most strongly. Take a few breaths to connect with your own unique rhythm...

Notice if there are any feelings or emotions present in your body today. Just notice what you feel and be with whatever comes up for you, without trying to change it, just offering yourself unconditional love and compassion.

Then bring your awareness to your heart centre, that place of unconditional love and intuitive deep knowing. Feel the gentle rhythm of your heartbeat. Allow yourself to feel love and gratitude towards your self and your body, in this moment...

From this perspective of self-love and gratitude, spend some time reflecting on your life during the last week, month or year. Ask yourself: 

When have I experienced the lush greening life-force flowing through my body and soul? When have I experienced a sense of vitality, creative energy, nourishment and nurture?

When did I experience a sense of dryness in my body and soul? When have I experienced a sense of feeling overwhelmed or depleted or exhausted?

When you are ready, return your awareness to your breath, feeling your abdomen rise and fall, and the air entering and leaving your nostrils. Begin to imagine a floating feather of awareness drifting slowly and gently around your body, from feet to head or from head to feet, whatever seems most natural to you. Notice if there are some places where the feather comes to rest and tune in to any messages that may be there for you...

When you are ready, begin to bring your awareness back to your heart centre and your breath. Take your time bringing your awareness back to your surroundings in the here and now, and listen to another piece of music written by Hildegard:

Sublime recording of O Noblissima Viriditas by Sequentia here.

Please receive the words of this piece, translated into English, as a blessing:

“O noblest green viridity,

You are rooted in the sun

And in the clear, bright, calm

You shine within a wheel

No earthly excellence can comprehend:

You are enfolded by the embraces

of ministries divine.

You blush like the dawn

And burn like a flame of the sun.”

Amen and Blessed Be

Sabbath: The Lost Art of Holy Rest

"Shabbat is about harmony. It's about restoring balance – the balance between the masculine and feminine aspects of our own souls and the balance of power between women and men. It's about building community and remembering our interdependence with each other and with the Earth herself, taking responsibility for our habits of consumption and allowing ourselves to rest and recharge. Shabbat is about forging a direct relationship with the Shekinah, the feminine face of God. It's about taking refuge in her arms." Mirabai Starr

In Lent 2019 I set an intention to observe a weekly Sabbath through Lent. For one whole day each week I unplugged, desisted from work, and devoted the day to nourishing myself in body and soul. I found it to be the most amazingly restorative practice. But once Lent was over, I found it too hard to keep it up. At various times since then I have revisited some kind of sabbath observance and each time I do I find it more rewarding, as I go deeper and deeper into the many layers it has to offer. Keeping a Sabbath is perhaps my most rewarding and challenging spiritual practice. 

What do I mean by sabbath? The Sabbath or Shabbat in Hebrew, comes from the Jewish tradition, and is connected, in the Hebrew Scriptures, both with the creation of the world and the liberation of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt. It is part of the Ten Commandments, the core of Jewish law, and in essence is one day per week set aside for rest from work – not just any paid work we may have, but rest from producing, labouring, and performing tasks. Orthodox, Reform and Liberal Jews all observe Shabbat in some form.

"Six years you shall sow your land and gather in its yield; but in the seventh you shall let it rest and lie fallow. Let the needy among your people eat of it, and what they leave let the wild beasts eat. You shall do the same with your vineyards and olive groves. Six days you shall do your work, but on the seventh you shall cease from labour, in order that your ox and ass may rest, and that your bondman and the stranger may be refreshed." Exodus 23:10-12

Baruch A. Levine wrote in The Jewish Study Bible, “Hebrew shabbat derives from the verb sh-b-t, “to cease, desist,” and its particular nominal form connotes regularity rather than a single act, that is: “a regular cessation.” It designates the seventh day of the week, from Friday evening through Saturday evening, as a day of obligatory rest, and overrides all other religious events. Its occurrence is never interrupted, and never has been since creation … the Sabbath is regarded as an original Israelite-Jewish contribution to world culture. It reflects ancient notions concerning the number seven, an important number in Semitic cultures, and seven-day units of repeated time. Unprecedented, however is the rule that all members of society are entitled to respite from daily labours, which is the essential message of the Sabbath.”

As a society, we no longer observe a Sabbath, and I think that is to our detriment. Now I have no wish to return to the days of everyone being forced to attend multiple church services with three hour sermons. Neither am I concerned about removing the cockerel from the hens to stop them copulating on the “Lord's Day”, as used to happen in some strongly Presbyterian areas of the highlands and islands of Scotland apparently. I am not interested in sabbath observance as piety. But I am interested in taking time out from daily work to reconnect with the sacred. 

Some Christian denominations, typically on the conservative end of the scale, such as the Seventh Day Adventists and the United Church of God, still observe a strict sabbath. But most Christian denominations have taken the words of Jesus that “the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath,” to mean that sabbath observance is no longer a requirement for those who seek to follow Christ. Personally, that's not exactly what I take from Jesus' words – to me, he is saying that the sabbath is a gift rather than an obligation – and that human need should be more important than following the rules. Nevertheless, I value my freedom to choose when and whether to observe my sabbath rest. I value the freedom of the invitation that Mirabai Starr issues in her book, Wild Mercy, to take her ancestral Jewish practice and adapt it to what works for me. 

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, “Six days a week we live under the tyranny of things of space; on the Sabbath we try to become attuned to holiness in time. It is a day on which we are called upon to share in what is eternal in time, to turn from the results of creation to the mystery of creation; from the world of creation to the creation of the world... To set apart one day a week for freedom, a day on which we would not use the instruments which have been so easily turned into weapons of destruction, a day for being with ourselves, .. a day on which we stop worshipping the idols of technical civilization, a day of armistice in the economic struggle with our fellow men.. is there any institution that holds out a greater hope for man's progress than the Sabbath?”

I have found it incredibly liberating to spend time consciously resisting participating in the constant production and consumption that our society demands of us, to unplug from technology and information overload as much as possible. 

I am also aware that my freedom in this regard is a privilege. There are many people for whom taking a break from work is simply unobtainable. Those working for minimum wage have to keep working more and more just to make ends meet. Slavery still exists today, not least in the guise of economic exploitation. As Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King famously said, “no one is free until we are all free.”

Taking time out to rest is counter-cultural. As such, it is not easy. It is not easy to resist the pull of the to-do list, the pinging of the email inbox and social media notifications, the advertisements inviting us to spend money on what we don't really need. Like Mirabai Starr, I feel that, by disengaging from the machine of consumer capitalism and intentionally practising simplicity instead, I am making a small contribution towards healing the earth and lessening the suffering of her people. 

The Hebrew Scriptural commandment to rest on the sabbath requires that the people apply it not only to humans, but to the animals used for working the land and to the land itself. Individual and collective rest, our rest and the earth's rest are intimately intertwined. The simple wisdom of letting the land lie fallow to recover was lost to us in the days of industrialised agriculture. We have already exhausted the earth in many areas, not just in the production of our food. What would it mean for us to recover that ancient wisdom?

A sacred relationship to food and drink, the produce of the earth, is central to the Jewish sabbath practice. The day begins and ends with the blessing of bread and wine, and includes several meals with family and/or friends. It is a time to appreciate the staples of life – simple food, hospitality, friendship – the things that sustain us on a day to day basis, that we may take for granted most of the time. Shabbat is an invitation to express gratitude for these things, to partake of the fruits of the earth in a conscious way, to acknowledge that the ordinary things in life are in fact sacred – light, bread, wine – to embrace the fullness of life as a gift from the divine – to eat the bread and drink the wine of life.

Sandy Eisenberg Sasso writes, “The commandment to bless this wine is a commandment to drink life as deeply as we drink from this cup. It is a commandment to bless life and to love deeply, to laugh until we are all laughter, to sing until we are all song, to dance until we are all dance, to love until we are all love. This is the wine that God has commanded us to bless and drink.”

As well as embracing the fullness of life, Shabbat also invites us to embrace its emptiness – to invite in the Shekinah, the divine feminine dove, who flies in on the wings of compassion and wisdom – chesed – loving kindness – and gevurah – discernment. In welcoming the Sabbath Bride we are invited to open the heart, to make space for and be receptive to whatever comes. In essence, Sabbath is a time to be rather than do – don't just do something, stand there! As the saying goes. 

Although I have focused here on sabbath as Shabbat practised in the Jewish tradition, carving out a palace in time for being rather than doing is something that can be practised by anyone and is found in all spiritual traditions in different forms. 

In his article, And the Earth is Filled with the Breath of Life, Rabbi Arthur Waskow writes, “Shabbat did not come to us because we were "the Jews"; we became "the Jews" because we heard the silence of Shabbat. We should be welcoming others into that hearing, even as some of us have had to relearn it from the breathing of yoga and the sitting of Zen and the meditating of Buddhists and the whirling of Sufis and the chanting of those who still live on Turtle Island. It is now the restful task of all the spiritual traditions, Buddhism and Hinduism, Christianity and Islam, Judaism and Wicce, to learn from each other how to rest. To catch our Breath. To dance another turn in the great spiral of I-Thou. Together.”

To carve out a palace in time to rest deeply is to honour ourselves as precious, sacred beings. As I have said, I don't always manage to have the discipline to observe a sabbath for a whole day every week. Sometimes it's just a few hours, sitting barefoot in the garden, reconnecting with the earth, being still and quiet, and breathing slowly. If you don't already have one, what might your sabbath practice be?

Sabbath Rest by UU minister Dan Lambert,

“Because the daily pressure of life weighs heavy on our minds, on our bodies, and on our spirits, we need a time of sabbath rest. Because the stresses of our culture often leave us feeling burdened and looking for hope, we need a time of sabbath rest. Because rest, fun, leisure, and naps help us cope and feel refreshed, we need a time of sabbath rest. Because we think more clearly, love more freely, and share more joyfully when we are well rested, we need a time of sabbath rest. Giver of Life, help us recognize when we need to stop and care for ourselves. Allow us to enjoy a sabbath as often as we need one. Allow us to rest without guilt so that we may work with more joy. We are thankful for the gift of sabbath rest. Amen.”