“There is one kind of love that is indissoluble, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part; For with God the union of character, not of place, joins friends together in a common dwelling.” John Cassian, Conferences
In the Christian tradition, the concept of soul friendship can be traced back to the Desert Fathers and Mothers of the third to fifth centuries, who wandered into the deserts of Egypt and Palestine, and began to live a contemplative life, some completely alone and some with companions, founding the first hermitages and monasteries, where they offered both spiritual guidance to visitors and to each other.
Soul friendship is a strong thread running through the monastic tradition, up to the present day. These are close-knit spiritual communities, where members share a common vision, and value both solitude and friendship on their spiritual journey. Abba Theodore said, "Let us each give his heart to the other.”
Soul friendship flourished in the Celtic monastic tradition, especially in Ireland (where the phrase anam cara comes from) and in Wales, where a soul-friend was known as a “periglour.” It is thought that the practice of soul friendship may have been inherited by Celtic Christians from the pre-Christian druids. Celtic Christians were also inspired by John Cassian's writings. Cassian had left Egypt to found a monastery near Marseilles in what was then known as Gaul, in the year 415.
The Western church eventually made the ministry of spiritual guidance the preserve of the male priest, through the sacrament of reconciliation or confession, as it is known in the Roman Catholic tradition. In the early days of Celtic Christianity such mentoring relationships were open to lay people as well as ordained, men and women.
In a 9th century manuscript there is a story about St Brigid of Kildare. A foster-son of Brigid comes to eat with her in the refectory. After they have finished their meal, Brigid says, "Well, young cleric there, do you have a soul friend?". "I have", replied the young man. "Let us sing his requiem", says Brigid. "Why so?" asks the young cleric. "For he has died", says Brigid. "When you had finished half your ration I saw that he was dead". "How did you know that?" "Easy to say,” Brigid replies, “from the time that your soul friend was dead, I saw that your food was put (directly) in the trunk of your body, since you were without any head. Go forth and eat nothing until you get a soul friend, for anyone without a soul friend is like a body without a head.”
The lives of the Celtic saints are full of stories of their relationships with their anam cara, and how transformative these relationships were. Soul friendships were characterised by affection and intimacy, mutuality and respect for each other's wisdom, sharing a common vision, and the ability to both affirm and challenge each other. I believe that this is the sort of relationship enjoyed by Jesus and Mary Magdalene, and by Saint Paul and Thecla, who was written out of the New Testament canon because she was a preacher, and whose story can be found in the second century Acts of Paul and Thecla.
In the twentieth century, spiritual direction experienced a resurgence across the boundaries of denominations, and has now become a feature of interfaith spiritual training, as well as within Christian seminaries.
In the late twentieth century, the theme of soul friendship was explored by the Irish writer and priest, John O'Donohue, in his book, Anam Cara, in which he wrote,
"In everyone’s life, there is a great need for an Anam cara, a soul friend. In this love, you are understood as you are without mask or pretension. The superficial and functional lies and half-truths of acquaintance fall away. You can be as you really are. Love allows understanding to dawn, and understanding is precious. Where you are understood, you are at home. Understanding nourishes belonging. When you feel really understood, you feel free to release your self into the trust and shelter of the other person’s soul. This art of love discloses the special and sacred identity of the other person. Love is the most real and creative form of human presence. Love is the threshold where divine and human presence ebb and flow into each other."
In the nineteenth century, another writer dear to Unitarians, and a former Unitarian minister, Ralph Waldo Emerson, published an essay on friendship in 1841. In it he wrote,
“The sweet sincerity of joy and peace, which I draw from this alliance with my brother’s soul, is the nut itself whereof all nature and all thought is but the husk and shell... A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal that I may drop even those under-most garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness, with which one chemical atom meets another.”
Soul friendship is how we are called to minister to each other, here in our liberal religious community – to act as spiritual guides and companions to one another, seeking to connect deeply, on a soul level, to be honest, sincere, and understanding, and to encourage each other to spiritual growth. May it be so.
"May you treasure your friends. May you be good to them, and may you be there for them; may they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth and light that you need for your journey. May you never be isolated; but may you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your Anam cara." John O'Donohue
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